Yeah. You read that right.
I have severe trouble saying those words in that order.
But I can say it just fine if it’s true.
Mariam Bandbaz, I’m IN love with you.

Well, all that skipping class and all of those missing assignments finally caught up with me.
I’m starting to believe in karma more and more by the day.

My mother was mad at me, not so much anymore.
She just wants to make sure I still get all of my credits.
I wish that was how my father felt…

I never really was that close to my parents.
My mother was a stay-at-home mom for most of my life, so I was always around her.
But we never bonded because we really have nothing in common.
My dad, however, has always been the father who goes out of town every week and is only seen on the weekends.
He really is the same person as me, and we get along perfectly, which makes it so much worse when he tells me that he’s disappointed.

He is the best father in the world, and he gives me everything he never had as a kid.
I’m just an ignorant teen that wastes everything and thinks he’ll be fine even if he has straight D’s in high school.

I honestly don’t want to disappoint him.

But I also can’t figure out why the fuck I don’t just get straight A’s.
I’m capable of it.
Hell, I could have taken all AP classes and gotten at least 95% in every single class if I applied myself.
It’s too late to go back now though, and I regret almost all of it.

The one reason why I reconsider regret is Mariam.

If I hadn’t slacked off, been in the relationships I was in, and become the guy I am now…
Would I have met the girl that I’m going to ask to marry me?

I consider myself both idiotic and lucky.
Let’s hope my luck lasts through the next few years as long as I don’t test karma again.

I’m the kind of guy that sets goals, or makes promises to himself, and forgets about them the next day.
But there are a few promises that have stuck with me over the years.
And recently my priorities have changed, and the promises have readapted to fit my current situation.
Also, I have some new ones to add.

I promised myself not to use the word “Love” lightly ever again.

I’ve told dozens of people that I love them, but the IN love part is where it spreads thin.
I’ve told probably 3 girls that I was IN love with them, and at the time, I was convinced that I was.
But in all reality, I’ve never been IN love.
I’m open to the idea, but I’m the asshole kind of guy that’s afraid to use the word due to a mishap with a certain girl over summer my sophomore year.

And no, I won’t use names of past crushes in this post.

Now that I’m happily taken, I’m still holding the word back.
I love Mariam, but I’m not IN love with her yet.
I’d be more than happy to make it to that stage with her though.
In fact, if I was going to ever fall in love, I would actually want it to be with Mariam.
She’s the exact kind of girl I want to always be around and spend the rest of my life with.
But that’s a different topic for a future post.

I promised myself to never lie to Mariam.

I’m an asshole. Or at least, I can be.
I used to lie, all the time, about everything.
Until about Junior year when I finally stopped caring about what EVERYONE thought of me and started caring more about what I thought of myself.
I lost a lot of great friends that I can never make amends with.
I did a lot of things that I’ll regret for the rest of my life.
And I never really was the person I wanted to be until about 3 weeks ago.
I’m finally in a relationship where I’m completely honest all of the time, and it’s so goddamn amazing.

I’m feeling emotions I haven’t felt since the first girl I ever dated.
I feel happy every time I see her, I feel depressed and lonely when I can’t, I worry constantly about whether or not she still likes me, I feel unstoppable when she reassures me she does.
Overall, I can talk to her about whatever I want.
I may leave a few things out, but sometimes that’s necessary.
The point is, I don’t lie to her or when I’m around her.
Which is a huge step in the right direction for me.

I promised that I would NEVER hurt Mariam.

I’ve never been the kind of guy to cheat or break up with a girl for dumb reasons, but I have had my instances of running away.
And in every single relationship when I didn’t run away, I got cheated on.
I get called overattentive and I do have a tendency to go a little overboard…
But that’s never seemed like an excuse to me.

When I ran away, it was before the relationship was actually established, before any actual commitment.
With Mariam, I have established the relationship, I have committed myself to her, and I am absolutely, totally, completely crazy about her.
I will NEVER break up with Mariam unless she cheats on me, becomes a murderer or some crazy shit like that.
If this relationship ever ends, it will have to be her decision, because I’m giving all that I can give to her.

I want to date her for as long as she’ll let me.
I want to be there for her when she’s sad or happy.
I want to be the guy that she imagines having a future with.
I want to meet her parents and worry about whether they like me or not.
I want to try all of the things she loves that I haven’t experienced yet.
I want to share the things I love with her.
I want her face to be the first thing I see when I wake up one day.
I want her to brag about our relationship to all of her friends.
I want guys to know that she’s all mine when we hold hands or kiss.
I want to take her on an adventure and get lost.
I want to spend an entire day with her, with no one else around.
I want to introduce her to my family and get their approval.
I want to protect her from something dangerous.
I want to help her overcome one of her problems.
I want to spend a whole day on the phone without hanging up a single time.
I want her to teach me something new.
I want to teach her something new.
I want to make a lifelong promise to her, and keep it.
I want to take her to prom.
I want to finish out my senior year and still be dating her.
I want to convince her that I’m worth her time and effort.

Here’s my newest promise to myself:
I promise to never let Mariam go.

Anything.

I’m the new and improved Joshua Mills.

The past 5 weeks have been rocky and difficult.
I’ve changed more in the past few weeks than I have in over 4 years.
I’ve gone through my trials.
Tried some new things, lied about lying, earned my own self-respect, lost friends, made amends with others.
All in all, I’m happier and more content with everything.

I went into my senior year with nothing and no one that meant anything to me.
I can gladly say that only a few weeks in, I’ve got so many important things I never want to lose.
Katie, that’s including you.
The people who don’t like me, and or are reading this post and feeling either uncomfortable or a strong bitterness towards me.
I can proudly say that you don’t know me.
You think you know me, but only Katie has a true insight into how I work and think, and she still only has half the picture until I post my thoughts and recall the past 5 weeks in my next post.

I don’t care what you think of me, or my relationship, or my past.
You only see what your eyes can perceive, and that’s always filtered through a sheet of bias.
Even without your personal feelings of me, you see and hear what either I’ve told you directly, you hear from an outside party, or you make up in your own mind.
None of which are a reliable source.

I’m not here to make people look stupid, or post about how unhappy I am.
I’m not even going to clear the air about the lies. (At least not yet.)

I just wanted to introduce the new me to my old Tumblr.
Hopefully one day I’ll feel like this is the safe haven it used to be.

This is how Mariam Bandbaz makes me feel.

It would be really cool if Lights could stop stealing my heart.

(Source: fuckyeahlightsnoise)

This is how I feel this week.

Where you feel all-powerful, but in an evil, I don’t care about anything, way?
It might just be all of the old angry NIN tracks I’m listening to when I work out, but right now I feel so angry but so good about being angry.

Good in a very dark and bad way.

I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be back to my cheery self.
But for now, I think I’ll just sit in my cold, dark room and think about my life.

(via fuckyeahlightsnoise)

HOORAY!
Anyways.

While playing the pretty old DLC for Resident Evil 5 last night, I got to talking with my friend Cody about how you know the story in a game is good when you actually become invested in the characters.
Games like Mass Effect and Final Fantasy where you spend countless hours with these fake people and start to care whether or not they eat shit in the end game cinematic.
Even if you absolutely HATE the character, that means they had enough of a personality to get a response out of you. That’s truly when good writing meets an amazing performance from the voice actor.
So, in honor of all the amazing games I’ve played in my life, and all the shitty ones, here goes my list of “The 10 Video Game Characters I Care About Most.”

Now, my list will be a little biased as there are games I haven’t played and the characters from the games I love will have a higher chance of scoring.
But it’s all just for fun, and if you don’t agree with my choices, go make your own list.

The 10 Video Game Characters I Care About Most:

10. Ethan Mars (Heavy Rain - PS3)

Heavy Rain is one of those few amazing games that you really should only ever play once, in that sense it’s really just a movie that you control. Once you start messing around with the outcomes and replaying all the scenes it starts to get this feeling of being just a bunch of cinematics you can choose from. All the magic and mystery goes away and you start to feel like you paid $60 for a movie and some alternate endings.

Now, in MY playthrough it always felt like Ethan was the main character and the other characters were just there to help him find his son.
And I actually cared whether or not I got the good ending. I wanted so bad to see Ethan’s son alive and the killer pay. Which is exactly the ending I got!
Though I did reload a few scenes and change a few mistakes made, I had Ethan cut off his finger, crawl in the hallway of glass, get electrocuted, and drink poison.

He went through hell, and earned the good ending. And I cared.

9. Gunnery Sergeant Edward Buck (Halo 3: ODST - Xbox 360)

I have a bunch of evil shit to say about ODST, but overall it was a good game. The characters in Halo games never really stand out to me; anyone from the first three games could die and I probably wouldn’t notice. That all ended with Buck, he was voiced by and modeled after one of my favorite actors, Nathan Fillion. And to anyone who’s ever seen the show Firefly, you know why having Captain Reynolds on your team in any game would be a plus. Hell, if he was in a lego game I would run out and buy it this second.

Buck didn’t get as much showtime as I wanted, and that might just be a fault of the game’s extremely short campaign time, but he was a definite plus and had me hoping the team would all make it through the end of the game.

8. Jill Valentine (The Resident Evil Series)

Okay let’s get it out of the way now. Yes, she’s hot. Just look at the picture, it’s nice right? Agreed, now let’s… One more look? Fine go ahead. I’ll wait.

Ready? Alright.
There have been a lot of great characters in the Resident Evil games, but probably a lot more either just plain ridiculous ones (google search “Ramon Salazar”) or dead ones. Hurr hurr.
But Jill has remained a consistently awesome female lead, which I am a huge fan of. (You’ll see further down the list.)
She’s the master of unlocking and she’s even been dead before. Plus when she’s evil she wears an awesome skintight battle suit.
She holds a special place in my heart as my 3rd highest crush on a video game character. She can come ask me to survive a zombie outbreak with her, anytime. ;D

7. Zoey (Left 4 Dead - Xbox 360)

This is a very rare occasion where a character makes the list without having great dialogue or really any interaction other than in-game exclamations.
But I spent many hours killing and surviving with Zoey at my side, and for some reason when everybody needed to be healed or revived I would run over and help out Zoey first.
It might just be some deep-set chivalry, but I always took care of Zoey and let the ugly old man and the tattooed biker meet their fate.
I missed her in the sequel and sorry Rochelle, but we don’t have the same chemistry.

6. John Marston (Red Dead Redemption - PS3 & Xbox 360)

I have a bad relationship with past leads in Rockstar games. Basically every character in the Grand Theft Auto series. But it seems they finally found my weak point with John Marston. At first glance he just seems like a salty, old, beaten down cowboy whose prime has long passed. But you soon learn he’s still got some moves, and a strong motivation that convinces you to back him up through his quest to earn his families freedom.
I had an emotional reaction to the ending of Red Dead, which is always a good sign concerning the writing and characters. I won’t give any spoilers, but I’m a large fan of his son as well.

5. Commander Shepard (Mass Effect Trilogy - Xbox 360 & PC)

The intergalactic badass without a true face or gender.
Now, I’m going to try and be completely honest here. The voice actors and writing behind Shepard aren’t amazing, they could be better. But nevertheless they accomplish exactly what they set out to do. Make Shepard look like a total badass.
Punching out random people, threatening innocents, having sex with aliens, what more do you want from a lead character in a space opera?

4. Tidus (Final Fantasy X, Final Fantasy X-2 - PS2)

Tidus isn’t the perfect main character. There’s a 90% chance that he’s mentally handicapped. But I really did care whether he and Yuna got together, or if he ever got home. When the ending came, and I had time to process what had happened, I was sad for the guy. So much so that I played that absolutely horrible sequel in order to see what happened to him. I’d gladly play another shitty game in order to get a real answer to that question, but I’m crossing my fingers that Square Enix doesn’t do that to me.

3. Claire Farron “Lightning” (Final Fantasy XIII - PS3 & Xbox 360)

My second highest crush on a video game character, Lightning is pretty much the coolest female character in any video game that can still remain attractive. She’s amazing at acrobatics and wields a gunblade, the perfect mix between sexy and imposing. Yet she still has a heart, inbetween punching Snow and belittling Hope, she finds time to dedicate herself to freeing her crystalized sister. Eventually becoming the caring sibling and the perfect role model.
The game begins to hint at her essentially dying near the end, but it barely slides into a nice loophole and kept all the Lightning fans, like myself, happy.

2. Tali’Zorah vas Normandy (Mass Effect Trilogy - Xbox 360 & PC)

Isn’t she adorable? My absolute highest crush on a video game character is on a girl who’s face I’ve never seen.
What Tali lacks in… visibility, she makes up for in absolutely one of the best personalities Bioware has ever written. She’s kind, sweet, and has an extremely weak immune system, which prevents her from ever taking off her enviro-suit. This doesn’t stop her from flirting with Shepard and eventually (if you choose) becoming romantic.
She works with engines, and is one of the best tech users on the team, which is cute in a very nerdy way.
In the second game, all characters have a chance of dying, and I’ve made damn sure she never dies in any of my playthroughs.
She’s also one of two characters that has been available to put on your squad in both games and I’ll be absolutely heart-broken if she isn’t for the third game.

1. Yuna (Final Fantasy X, Final Fantasy X-2 - PS2)

Wow, I’m feeling very nostalgic as I write this part. Final Fantasy X will forever be one of the greatest games I ever played, and was the most influential game in my life. Yuna felt real to me when I was young, I cared about her in the way that you care about your best friend. She was the first video game character I ever cared about, and I really did feel compelled to help her out on her pilgrimage. If she had died at the end of the game I probably would have burned Square Enix to the ground.
Her background and the challenge she faced were amazingly well-written, the way she faced them seemed authentic and true. I really can’t say enough to show how much I truly adore Yuna and every character in Final Fantasy X.
It was an accomplishment and a benchmark on the path to the perfect balance between gameplay and story. I would rather have a single Final Fantasy game come out every year and NOTHING ELSE than for the franchise to end.

Coming up: “The 10 Video Game Characters That I Couldn’t Care Less About”

What to Do When Your Xbox 360 Breaks AGAIN

But you’re a teenage girl.
Don’t you have a hundred girl friends to complain to and gossip with?
Why are you telling me about your boyfriend problems?
I’m a 17 year old guy.
I honestly couldn’t care less.

Yeah I’ll pretend to care and give you some half-assed thought on the problem, but only because I want you to fucking shut up about it.

My Application Video to be Carlie’s New Boyfriend

Lol